Machu Picchu

We woke early in Cusco to catch the train to Aguas Calientes. Aguas Calientes (translated as the hot springs) is also known as Machu Picchu since it is the city that sits at the base of Machu Picchu. The train was nice, very relaxing but kind of rickety at some points. They have something called the zig zag system. To save on track and move up or down in such a short period of space, they move up on the track, change the track and move backwards to move down and then change the track again to move forward all lowering the train each time it moves backward and forward. Kind of cool piece of technology. We arrived in Aguas Calientes in about 3.5 hours on the Expedition line. It was really good for the budget traveler. 

The train station exits into a market where you can buy local goods. We had walking directions to our hostel which was super close to the train station. Not only close to the train station but close to the train tracks. The front door of the hostel was about 3 feet from the train tracks. We stayed at Ecopackers which I recommend. It was clean, safe and very reasonably priced. They also let us keep our luggage there after we checked out since we said we were going to Machu Picchu the next day. 

We walked around Aguas Calientes all in about an hour. It is a very tourist town all with notion that everyone is only stopping there to go to Machu Picchu. We continued to eat light and ate a tortilla which basically is a fried egg with things in it or like a thin frittata if you want to think of it that way. We spent most of the day before Machu Picchu staying on the top of our hostel using their wifi while it rained outside and watched an awful movie in the background. It was our second awful movie of the trip by the way. But this movie was Total Recall with Colin Ferrell and Jessica Biel. Don't get me wrong I do love watching Colin Ferrell but it was very confusing and we were watching it in English. To be fair, we didn't watch  it from the beginning but we did watch about 75% of it and were still lost. 

The night before I was doing last minute hiking/Machu Picchu research because for those of you that don't know me, I am not a hiker. I am not one who likes to sweat. I was getting nervous the more I read. The hiking level is difficult and it was taller than the mountain that everyone climbs. But I tucked those fears away and we went to bed early. We made sure we had breakfast, had time to buy lunch to take on our hike and then to get on the bus to take us to Machu Picchu. You can hike from Aguas Calientes to Machu Picchu and save the 9 or so dollars but it does take an hour and a half or so going up and the altitude is already an issue for most people visiting the area. So Kiah and I thought bus was the best thing for us and it made more sense since we were planning on hiking anyway. 

We arrived at Machu Picchu at about 6:30. We thought we would have a guide to climb up the mountain but as we learned from the guides outside they would take us on a 2 hour tour of the ruins and then we would be off to go on the hike by ourselves. The cost for a guide was 120.00 soles. If we had more people in our group, then we could have split up the cost but because it was just 2 of us, it would have been 60 soles each. Pass. We can do this tour thing on our own. But if you do want to do the tour, find more people to join your group to share the cost. 

Because we were so high up, the clouds were surrounding us and the mountains so it was difficult to get decent shots of the area. The plan was to walk around the ruins a little bit to wait for it to clear up and start to hike up so by the time we reached the top it would be clear enough to take photos. As we walked around the area, we did learn a little about the ruins as we eavesdropped to what the other tour guides had to say. We did walk away learning more than we came in with so it all worked out. The weather was beautiful and it cleared up at about 8 and we were very fortunate that it was a beautiful day. 

We climbed Mount Machu Picchu. I'd like to be able to point to a post card or picture of it online to say "I climbed that" but there are no pictures of it. All the pictures of the whole area of Machu Picchu are from that particular mountain. Online people warned that the stairs could be a bit dangerous but it was safer than Huanya Picchu (that's the taller mountain in the pictures of Machu Picchu). The stairs are not that dangerous unless it's raining I suppose. During some portions of the trail, the stairs are short and steep but they are still wide horizontally. As mentioned earlier, I am not a hiker. I was super slow at climbing it and stopped probably about every 15-20 steps if even that to catch my breath. If someone was behind me, I used that as an excuse to wait and catch my breath more. As Kiah and I started and were walking up I told her "I'm sure I will thank you later....but not now." As you are hiking up there is no sign that says so and so many meters left or you are almost there or anything. So each person passing us on their way back down kept saying "30 minutes".  Hey people, it can't always be 30 minutes from every spot. I told Kiah that I think it's a lie that is passed down from hiker to hiker to make everyone feel better. As I was getting frustrated with myself and my legs because they were cramping up, I told Kiah that she could keep going and I would make it up there when I did. 

I am currently reading "Turn Right at Machu Picchu" and the author describes Cusco as a place being known for spirituality, shamans and healing. Walking around Cusco you were offered a lot of massages  and you'd see signs for readings and other things. But Cusco is also the start of the Machu Picchu journey. I didn't understand that thinking or feel it until on one of my many, many breaks I took some time to enjoy the view and quiet and take some time with my thoughts. And truth be told, I didn't have any thoughts. My head was clear and enjoying everything and taking it in. At that moment, I understood the spirituality of it. 

As Kiah was walking and people caught up to her, she would ask about me and they kept telling her that I was on my way up. Kiah made a lot of friends at the top as she was waiting for me. Kiah thought I made a friend because she described me as the girl in the black tank top. There was another girl in a black tank top that had actually met a friend and they continued to the top together. But when the other girl in black made it to the top, Kiah started to worry. Finally...and I don't know how long it took or how long Kiah was waiting but I finally made it. Whew. I got a round of applause from all of Kiah's new friends because I had finally made it. I drank so much water and just sat there happy to be at the top. As we were sitting down, this guy Gus made it to the top and said "We made it all the way to the top to look at a stick......oh but WHAT a stick!" Probably the funniest comment I heard about making it to the top. The stick is there to be like "don't pass this point." We took our customary jumping, posing and thoughtful photos before heading back down. 

Kiah and I walked down at a decent pace together as it was SO MUCH EASIER going down than coming up. Going down for me probably took about half to a third of the time. As we were going down, Kiah and I were talking about Black perceptions of hiking. (For those reading this and don't know me or Kiah, Kiah is Black and I am White). We noticed that there weren't many Black people in Peru, let alone at Machu Picchu and no one on the hike other than Kiah that is Black. We discussed different theories but didn't come up with anything substantial. The best thing we came up with was that we see a lot of Black people at social occasions getting all dressed up, pulling out their hats, getting the nails done and just looking good and presenting themselves like many of them had to do during the 50s and 60s and with hiking, it's not about getting dressed up, it's about getting dirty. I think it's a cultural convention passed down within the Black community that they always have to be presentable to be able to "fit in better". As much as we discussed, nothing was concluded and don't think anything can be concluded.

We finally got back down to the bottom of Machu Picchu and as Kiah went to take a few more shots I sat waiting near the exit. We took the bus back down and ate real food. Finally I could have some Lomo Saltado. Yum!  We then grabbed our stuff and took the train back to Cusco. We had another driver meet us to take us from the train station to the bus station. We took the Cruz Del Sur line overnight to Puno. Our bus left at 10p.m. and got into Puno at 4:30a.m. Damn, the Cruz Del Sur line is the best bus line I have ever been on. It's a double decker bus where the chairs lean back far and they have leg rests that fold into place that make you feel like you are in a recliner. They also give you a blanket and food if your bus ride is more than 4 hours. Very clean and very reasonable. I would highly recommend Cruz Del Sur, I just don't know if being stuck on a bus after hiking Machu Picchu is the best idea since I couldn't really stretch out and my legs kept cramping but it was or sure a great way to travel. 

Machu Picchu was awesome but a whole 24 hours later my legs are still feeling it and even stepping down a step is painful. But I do have the pictures that will out live the pain (I hope). Thank you Kiah. 

Cusco-Rain, shopping and food

Leaving Lima, we had the hotel call for a taxi for the morning since we had an early flight and figured we would leave the wedding late. Kathy had said if we left at 6:45a.m. we would be fine so that was when the taxi was to arrive. At 5:30, we got a call from the lobby that our taxi was there. Nope, couldn't be ours, we asked for one at 6:45. The hotel asked us to be ready at 6:30 so the taxi driver could pick up someone else and come back. Ok, fine. We'll be a little early. At 6:30 we went out and low and behold it was the driver that Loren's mom was yelling at the night before. He must have a chronic early bird gets the worm synrdome because he was super early for us too. Driving to the church though the night before, Kiah and I were fine. But driving to the airport, I was so scared for my life AND nothing looked familiar. I was so happy when I saw the sign for the airport. Thank goodness we would be there on time and alive. 

On our plane, we were served little tuna sandwiches....with nuts! Who puts nuts in their tuna sandwiches? No people. No. On the right of me, we met a spontaneous chap by the name of Chris. He was English and had black rimmed Harry Potter glasses. He had booked the trip 4 days before and planning on maybe meeting his brother, that is if his brother got the message that Chris was on his way. They were going to try and do the Inka Trail which is a 4 day hike but he really had no idea what he would be doing. 

We arrived in Cusco and were met again with someone who was holding a sign for us. His name was Percy and he was very chatty giving us some local history of the area. He asked us our plans and gave us his number so we could book a taxi with him directly. When it came time to call him the number didn't work and we had to call someone else. When we arrived at the hostel we had to wait for our room to be cleaned. Waiting outside we heard this man (turned out he was Colombian) snoring soooo loudly we were concerened how we would sleep. However, we met a nerdy Argentian that was sharing our room and he said the guy would probably come in at 5 which was ok with us cause we were waking up at 5:30 to catch the train. And then the best part, a little puppy that lived at the hostel came frolicking along. Her name was Miel which is Honey for you non Spanish speakers. She was cute chasing after people's shoelaces and eating the plants. While the hostel was an ok hostel, the restroom in our room smelled like mildew. It was so bad it was a mad dash to use the bathroom, shower or brush our teeth. It permeated the area. Other than that, the hostel was ok and in a good part of town. 

Cusco is something like 10,000 feet up so Kiah and I were really feeling our asthma kick in and our chest starting to restrict it's breathing. My cousin who is half Peruvian and half Ecuadorian had warned us to eat only tea and soup. And for the first day and a half we did. I had a delicious pumpkin soup while Kiah had a chicken soup. However, for dinner, we thought a won ton soup would be good. WORST decision ever. It was the grossest thing I've had. The won tons tasted like detergent to me and was super unedible. I cannot survive on soup but to avoid altitude sickness and to be light when I went to Machu Picchu, we sucked it up. 

Other than our bad luck with the rain and food, Cusco was nice. Much cleaner than Lima and we felt safer. However, when you get out of the city center, it is dirty. Dogs and trash line the streets. Piles of garbage are in corners waiting for someone who will never come to pick up the trash. The city center was a bit Americanized and Europeanized as well. There were British pubs, a Starbucks, McDonalds and more pizza places we knew what to do with. Cusco also has its own school of art that you can see when walking around and peaking in on artists work and inside churches. In Cusco, we walked around a lot but didn't go intoo the churches too much. 

When we first arrived we were lucky and it wasn't raining but we jinxed ourselves and we got caught in the rain going to the market to buy some souvenirs to take back home. Kiah and I agreed that if we were both there with a romantic interest, the moment would have been much more romantic than being with each other. We bought some good things but are going to buy the rest in Lima. Words of advice: if you are going to buy a lot of stuff, find the one shop that has all of your needs because if you buy lots of stuff, they'll knock down the price some. I recommend Cusco for a couple of days but not much longer than that. 

Roses are red, Violets are blue, Kiah and I are in Lima, Without You

Yesterday started out just like any other. We slept in, woke up, got ready and left the military club...that we had stayed in the night before. We tried to find a coffee shop and without finding it, we wandered around Lima. We tried to find a place to get ceviche but I felt they were expensive for the amount I saw them give to other patrons so we found a place down the road that did not offer ceviche. We returned to the hotel at about 2, to get ready for the wedding. 

The night before, my friend Loren, emailed me to tell me that my friend and I would be picked up at 3:30 to go to another hotel and everyone would be caravaned over to the church. My friend's wife, Kathy, came by our room after this email and told us that the plans had changed and we would be going with my friend's aunt to the airport at 415 and my friend would pick up his mom at 330. As we were getting ready, we received a phone call from my friend's aunt at 330 asking about the details of the plan. She asked if we were ready cause our taxi was there. I went out to the lobby and saw that Loren's mom had already gotten in the taxi and drove off. So then a few minutes later, Kiah and I went to sit with the aunt and wait for our taxi. Soon, a taxi rolled up and my friend Loren stepped out of it. Uh oh, THAT was our taxi....but oh wait, the original taxi with Loren's mom pulled up right after Loren. Loren's mom came out of the taxi, upset because the driver didn't know where he was going AND when they found the church, no one was there. Loren's mom was still yelling as Loren stepped out of the car and I hugged him and he told Kiah, "Hi, welcome to Peru." After a few quick words we were off to the wedding. We got in the taxi that was meant for us and Loren and his mom got in the taxi he arrived in. But our driver told us he didn't know where he was going, so I finally got to use the phrase, "Follow that taxi!" Super cool. 

When we arrived at the church, we had to wait outside becuase there was a baptism inside. Loren's high school friend Catherine (who also goes by Cathy) and her husband, son and parents were all outside the church. Loren was talking to them when Catherine's mom walks up to me and Kiah and asks how we know Loren. I explained that I had gone to college with him and met him my freshman year of college and that Kiah was just my traveling buddy. Catherine's mom then said "oh, so you are the one that replaced Catherine." Sure grandma, if you want to look at it that way. But then....she said it AGAIN! She told someone else that "this is the girl that replaced Catherine." Ok lady. Point taken. 

Then....Kiah and I made a little friend. I should say Kiah made a little friend....and I just made a friend. Catherine and her husband's son, Andrew. Light, sandy hair, green eyes, cheesy smile and 2. He was super talkative and super smart. He kept me and Kiah pretty entertained throughout the evening. He kept wanting to arrange the seating but always wanted to keep sitting next to Kiah. Kiah made a new best friend. However, she was soon replaced by the flower girl. *Enter dramatic music here* The flower girl kept drawing happy faces in Andrew's coloring book and he was overwhelmed with her different happy faces that Kiah was soon forgotten. However, Andrew's night was cut short when he had to leave and it was past his bed time. He did not want to leave his new friend. He was reaching out for her. It was very sad. Love knows no language barriers...or age apparently. My friend was Catherine's mom who was a chatty Kathy. She talked, and talked, and talked, and talked. Catherine, Loren's friend, barely spoke to us and his wife Kathy, we barely saw. Despite the other Katherine's going by Kathy, the mom was the TRUE chatty Kathy. 

The wedding as you can imagine was very Catholic with the mass in Spanish and the up/down, up/down that goes along with any Catholic ceremony. It had it's punny moments with the priest talking about the perfect recipe of a happy marriage (Loren is a cook.) The ceremony ended and we were whisked away in a van. But wait, the driver that originally picked us up (cause you know, we had a driver) was the same driver that took us to the reception. All good things come full circle I suppose. 

The reception was beautiful: Open bar, specialized Peruvian drinks, great food, even better dessert. Yum. After a few hours, I finally got to talk and catch up with Loren. When we first sat down, we all noticed that there were bottles of whiskey on the table. I asked Loren if it was for the Americans and he said no, whiskey is very big in Peru. Most of their specialty drinks have whiskey. AND that the water and ice were for the Americans. Hmm, interesting. Loren also warned me that we had to wait til after 11 to leave because that's when the party really started. They had Peruvian dancers all throughout the night but at 11, it was a whole Mardi Gras theme. Loren had a crown, Kathy had feathers in her hair and everyone was given a long balloon (the kind that you make into balloon animals) to dance with and bounce around with. It was really cool to see. Loren thought at 11, they would have hats and bears for everyone, as that was the tradition. But no such luck so we had kind of a goofy photo but not a ridiculous one. At midnight, the dancers came back out after they changed and had hats and headbands for everyone. Loren brought me my personalized black hat that had black braids coming out of the sides. We took a thug photo with his new hat and mine. 

It rocked. I truly am grateful that I missed Loren's wedding in Lake Tahoe so I could make it to this one in Peru. It was totally a social experience worth having. 

“A good traveler has no fixed plans and is not intent on arriving."- Lao Tzu

Currently, Kiah and I sit in a Peruvian Chinese restaurant, alone....in a corner....sitting around empty tables that are set up for a wedding. 

We arrived this afternoon and went through customs with no problems. Our biggest problem was finding our driver. Yes, you read that correctly. We had a driver. My friend Loren and Kathy could not meet us at the airport so they hired a driver for us. He drove us for about half an hour and stopped outside the gate of a military base. He then proceeded inside after he got the ok and dropped us off. So I had an idea that we were staying in a military area from Loren but I had no idea that we were actually staying on a military base or military protected area.  I turned to Kiah and said "now you can tell your mom that you are staying at the safest place possible-a military base." 

It's only been a few hours but between my Spanish listening and understanding experience of more everyday conversation Spanish and Kiah speaking more of it in class in a formal setting, we make quite the Spanish traveling duo. I understand and she speaks and we are both quite happy with that. 

The flight was not the worst I've been on but not the best. We had at least 8 little kids on our flight. The ones that we thought would be the worst, did not sit near us and were relatively quiet. We were lucky to sit near these cute little girls. But one little girl did not stay quiet long and cried, CRIED throughout part of the flight. She always cried when I was in the middle of what seemed like one of my REM cycles. I could hear it through my headphones. And it wasn't just like a "I'm scared and crying" but it was "I'm scared and going to cry so much I choke and that will make me cry harder cry." And I sat next to an older man who did not understand "you only pay for one seat." He kept intruding on my space, and particularly elbowing me while I was trying to sleep. He also had the wonderful habit of biting his nails but his nails were so short that it was like he was just chomping at thin air since he couldn't reach his nails. AND even with all that, that still was not the worst flight I've been on. 

Now, we rest and try to catch up on sleep and tv. Tomorrow we get to see some sites, people getting married and eat some more yummy food. YAY! 

"Gold, when beaten, shines."-Peruvian Proverb

Proverbs are so weird. They really make you think, "am I interpreting that right?" Is it supposed to mean that. And I only get more confused if I know it has been translated because I wonder if or any of the message was lost in translation. But anyway, trying to find a title for this post, I came across some Peruvian proverbs and found this proverb to best describe our travel speed bumps (pun intended).

My friend Kiah and I are going to Peru in about two days. Kiah and I have never been to Peru. We are going to a wedding. One of my friends from college married his wife last year when I was in Europe and this is the religious wedding with her family and in her home town of Lima. Since neither Kiah and I have been to Peru, we decided to try and cram in as much stuff as possible. While planning our itinerary, we made sure two things were included: the wedding and Machu Picchu.

We had read so many blogs and got so many conflicting results of what was the best way to go about booking our trip we decided that we needed to plan and read together. We got together one day and literally mapped out a day by day tentative itinerary. We found out that many of the older blogs were outdated. Previously, there was not a maximum capacity of people that could visit Machu Picchu in one day. Today, they only allow 2,500 people a day to visit the Unesco World Heritage site. Not only that, if you wanted to go on one of the tours or hike one of the mountains, only 400 people are allowed to hike per day. So because we did not know what to expect, we started making reservations.

Kiah had the pleasure of trying to book Machu Picchu: http://www.machupicchu.gob.pe/ After several attempts of trying to book the trip, we realized that the site was just not working. Problem number 1. I contacted the Peruvian government agency through the website and realized that you have to translate the page in Spanish to make and then book your reservation. Problem number 2 is that you have to make sure to pay via Visa. And not only that, you have to call Visa before booking the trip so that way they can allow the transaction to go through. The service is called "Verified by Visa." If you are using a bank Visa, then contact your bank before hand and have the amount you are going to charge ready so they can mark it off to approve it. Also, Kiah had issues with her bank (Bank of America) and after several days of going back and forth with them, it was my turn to give it a shot. I called Chase, and got it all taken care of within the hour. (Shout out to Chase!) If you are going to call your bank, make sure you specify that you are trying to make an online payment for out of the country and mention "Verified by Visa". They will either transfer you to a "Verified by Visa" person or someone who does internet orders and can authorize it. The first time I called, it was a nightmare trying to try and explain what I was doing. The other two times, it took 5 minutes. I guess it all depends on who you get but just be have the time to spend on the phone.

But 10 DAYS LATER, we got our tickets. We were set. Now we could finalize everything. And hence why I picked this proverb. We were just so beaten down and frustrated that once we got our tickets, it was like "oooohh, I get it now. The world makes sense again."

After we got our Machu Picchu tickets in hand, we could now organize and book the rest of our trip. However, the more websites we went on, and the more we looked into it, we realized that the majority of the travel websites in Peru all operate through "Verified by Visa." What a pain! So then we decided I should book transportation and Kiah would book the hostels. Each time I had to make a payment, I had to call my bank and let them know the amount I would charge so they could authorize it and not block the transactions. But after our first 10 day Machu Picchu obstacle, the rest was a piece of cake and went by so quickly.

So for those of you trying to go to Peru and book Machu Picchu remember these few steps:
1) Plan early and make your reservations.
2) Make sure you have a Visa card.
3) Book your trip in Spanish and note the confirmation number they give you. You will need it to make the payment as once you leave that page, you will not see it again.
4) Call your bank with the amount you will be charging to authorize the payment.
5) And with the noted confirmation number, go back and make your payment through the Machu Picchu site within 6 hours because then they will release your reservation.

Hope our complications can help anyone that stumbles across this page!

Everyone's a little weird.

But can you hide your weirdness until I know you? I mean, yeah some people like to flaunt it and be like this is me. And if you are that person, I'm sure it's like a quirky, awkward weird and not like silence of the lambs I want to run for the hills weird. And to be quite honest with you, if you are bat shit crazy weird, I probably do want to know early on just to weed you out and not waste my time. But can we hide it a little better? I mean, if I can tell you are weird within the first couple of hours of  knowing you, you are not hiding it that well.

I get a decent amount of guys looking at my online profile and messaging me. But I probably only want to respond to 1 in 20 of them. Why? They don't seem to have any personality that comes through their profiles. The stereotype is that girls like to talk right? That they can talk a guy's ear off. So why do most of the guys that message me only respond with "Hi." It's not even a "hi, how are you?" "Hi, how is your day going?" Nope. Just hi. My profile specifically even says "if you start a conversation with only hi, I will not respond." Second of all, please pretend like you want to get to know me before you start off with DTF or wanna hook up? Seriously, I'm sure there are some girls that just are down for that, but wouldn't they just advertise that right off the bat? If I wanted that, don't worry, I'll let you know. Third of all, please try to have skimmed my profile and see if we'd really get along. I don't want to waste your time, and I don't want to waste my time. I know they say to play the numbers game, but just because they are physically attractive, doesn't mean you will get a long. Fourth of all, as you are skimming, If I am not using words like "u" instead of "you" or "ur" instead of "your" then I probably don't like that type of typing.

It's not that difficult to start an online relationship with someone just have a social consciousness of what message you are trying to convey and follow the other person's kind of grammatical style or general interests.

And my top 5 most weird "I just met you online but here is how I am weird" conversations are:

5) A guy, within about a day of emailing back and forth said to me "I like receiving anal. What do you think about that?" That's a weird thing to announce right off the bat, right? If that's your thing, that's cool. But I mean, if we were on the subject that's one thing but since we weren't....I kind of judge you as being weird.

4) A message I received said "You are so beautiful. I will be your slave. You can tell me to do anything for you. I will just follow you around." - Does anyone else seem creeped out by this?

3) This pertains to a previous post of the guy that said he wanted a girl with a huge ass and then proceeded to send me a profile picture of his ass asking if mine was bigger than his cartoonishly big ass. Also, within our first texting conversation.

2) A guy announced in his profile that there were legitimate circumstances for a girl to be raped.

Nope. Shut it down.

1) A guy messaged me and told me to check out his profile to see if I was interested. I went to check it out. Under "Things I like" was the following:
Guns
Violence
Rope
Blood

Does he get a little of game with that profile? Cause if so, who are the fucking weird-o girls that are saying "yes, that is ok. I want me a piece of that?!?!

I'd like to think that it's a generational thing but it is not. I have seen the gamete of 21 year olds to 50 year olds message me and only 1 in 20 seem worth responding to. Just....if it's super creepy weird then announce it to save us time. If it's quirky and endearing then I'm open to explore that type of weirdness.

Be You, And Be Ok With It

"Take chances, take a lot of them. Because honestly, no matter where you end up and with whom, it always ends up just the way it should be. Your mistakes make you who you are. You learn and grow with each choice you make. Everything is worth it. Say how you feel, always. Be you, and be ok with it." 

Now do I agree with the entirety of that quote? Nope, not really. Is everything really worth it? I'm reminded of the Modest Mouse song "If life's not beautiful without the pain, well I'd just rather never ever even see beauty again." And sometimes I feel like that. Maybe it's not really worth it. But then I think about the past and the good things that have transpired and I'm reminded that I wouldn't have truly appreciated them, and because I can't see the light at the end of this dark, relationshipless, dead endless job, and living at home tunnel that there isn't one right? 

Sometimes I regret leaving my previous job, but then I think to myself that if I had stayed, I might never have pushed myself to look for another job because....I had one. But now that I sit here in my new position looking to see what else is out there. Sometimes, I compare the job to the one I am in now and I think back about how I judged their inefficiencies and processes and now that I am in this position I think "By God, they were geniuses compared to where I am now." And that just goes the the first point of this post, I wouldn't have appreciated my previous position until I was in something comparatively less imaginative and more stifling then my previous one.  

People say I'm standoffish, or closed off. My friend who I have known for forever said I'm guarded. I happen to agree with that term more than others, guarded. I am very guarded. Why? Because I have been burned in the past. Throughout high school I thought the girls I would talk to were my friends, but they only talked to me to find out info about me to talk about me behind my backs and make fun of me. Throughout college, and various jobs, I found out that it kept happening. I realized that I'm terrible, completely awful at reading at how people feel about me. I can read other people on how they feel about others, but when it comes to me, I can't read people. Its like my own kryptonite. So I am guarded. I take my time getting to know people and let them dictate and set the terms of our friendship. Some people say I'm a pushover, they are walking all over me, but I look at it as being guarded until I understand who they are as a person and understand our friendship. I'll put it this way, and this is the real deal. If I am completely open to you, not standoffish and we don't know each other very well, it's because you are a passing person and we probably will not very many encounters after these first few. If you find me guarded, standoffish or shy, it's because I do like you and want to take the time to understand you. And you to understand me.

I am awful at confrontations. The scariest thing someone can say to me are variations of "We need to talk." I will do everything to avoid that conversation. I will lie, cheat, push and runaway from you to hold the conversation off as long as possible. So the idea to take a chance with much of life scares me. But nothing more than relationships particularly romantic relationships. I mean, not that I've been in a romantic relationship either lasting more than a couple of weeks in the last few years, but the idea of becoming vulnerable to anyone frightens me.

I am ok with me. I draw my line, very, very close to me. So when you cross that line, and I finally tell you, and show you how I feel, I sometimes blow up because it's been building up for so long that it surprises you. I have realized that because as humans we all compartmentalize each other, that people often put me in the box that they want me to be in, but not the box I want them to put me in. So when I get upset, I show that I am hurt, or mad or frustrated, people usually don't know how to react and don't allow me to move out of that box, even if it's temporary and often times, that changes the nature of our relationship. Another reason I suppose that I am so guarded.

Sometimes I could so very easily say what I want. But I often feel that I find myself being caught up with how you view me and risk rocking that boat instead of showing you the real me and making you take me as I am or leaving me. So what I want you to know is that, I probably care more about what you think of me than I should. So what I show you the real, uncontrolled me, let me be me. Please and thank you.