Be You, And Be Ok With It

"Take chances, take a lot of them. Because honestly, no matter where you end up and with whom, it always ends up just the way it should be. Your mistakes make you who you are. You learn and grow with each choice you make. Everything is worth it. Say how you feel, always. Be you, and be ok with it." 

Now do I agree with the entirety of that quote? Nope, not really. Is everything really worth it? I'm reminded of the Modest Mouse song "If life's not beautiful without the pain, well I'd just rather never ever even see beauty again." And sometimes I feel like that. Maybe it's not really worth it. But then I think about the past and the good things that have transpired and I'm reminded that I wouldn't have truly appreciated them, and because I can't see the light at the end of this dark, relationshipless, dead endless job, and living at home tunnel that there isn't one right? 

Sometimes I regret leaving my previous job, but then I think to myself that if I had stayed, I might never have pushed myself to look for another job because....I had one. But now that I sit here in my new position looking to see what else is out there. Sometimes, I compare the job to the one I am in now and I think back about how I judged their inefficiencies and processes and now that I am in this position I think "By God, they were geniuses compared to where I am now." And that just goes the the first point of this post, I wouldn't have appreciated my previous position until I was in something comparatively less imaginative and more stifling then my previous one.  

People say I'm standoffish, or closed off. My friend who I have known for forever said I'm guarded. I happen to agree with that term more than others, guarded. I am very guarded. Why? Because I have been burned in the past. Throughout high school I thought the girls I would talk to were my friends, but they only talked to me to find out info about me to talk about me behind my backs and make fun of me. Throughout college, and various jobs, I found out that it kept happening. I realized that I'm terrible, completely awful at reading at how people feel about me. I can read other people on how they feel about others, but when it comes to me, I can't read people. Its like my own kryptonite. So I am guarded. I take my time getting to know people and let them dictate and set the terms of our friendship. Some people say I'm a pushover, they are walking all over me, but I look at it as being guarded until I understand who they are as a person and understand our friendship. I'll put it this way, and this is the real deal. If I am completely open to you, not standoffish and we don't know each other very well, it's because you are a passing person and we probably will not very many encounters after these first few. If you find me guarded, standoffish or shy, it's because I do like you and want to take the time to understand you. And you to understand me.

I am awful at confrontations. The scariest thing someone can say to me are variations of "We need to talk." I will do everything to avoid that conversation. I will lie, cheat, push and runaway from you to hold the conversation off as long as possible. So the idea to take a chance with much of life scares me. But nothing more than relationships particularly romantic relationships. I mean, not that I've been in a romantic relationship either lasting more than a couple of weeks in the last few years, but the idea of becoming vulnerable to anyone frightens me.

I am ok with me. I draw my line, very, very close to me. So when you cross that line, and I finally tell you, and show you how I feel, I sometimes blow up because it's been building up for so long that it surprises you. I have realized that because as humans we all compartmentalize each other, that people often put me in the box that they want me to be in, but not the box I want them to put me in. So when I get upset, I show that I am hurt, or mad or frustrated, people usually don't know how to react and don't allow me to move out of that box, even if it's temporary and often times, that changes the nature of our relationship. Another reason I suppose that I am so guarded.

Sometimes I could so very easily say what I want. But I often feel that I find myself being caught up with how you view me and risk rocking that boat instead of showing you the real me and making you take me as I am or leaving me. So what I want you to know is that, I probably care more about what you think of me than I should. So what I show you the real, uncontrolled me, let me be me. Please and thank you. 

Wazers unite

Do you know the application Waze? It’s a map application to help you navigate around traffic with updated traffic and obstacles by other users. However, the greatness of the application is determined by the other users. Usually, I don’t listen to my Waze. Sometimes the lady is a little bit of a pain and doesn’t like making left turns. Sometimes I’m not in a hurry and while the other way might be 2 minutes faster, I want to go this way because I want to stop by Starbucks.

On my way to Vegas, my estimated time of arrival changed with an addition of 40 minutes on the road. Then I heard the sound I wanted to hear “A faster route has been found”. My Waze directed me off the freeway and I drove like the wind on a side road that paralleled the freeway. I was cruising right along where I passed the accident and was wondering “how come no one else is on this road?” With about 3 miles left on the road, I come to a road closure on that stretch of high way. “NOOOO!” I shouted and cursed into the wind. Oh, well there is another road here, I wonder if it’ll work…..driving down the road about 5 miles, I can to the end of a dirt road that just faded into the desert. Damn it. I turned around and at the point of the road closure, saw cars caravanning through the desert to get back on the freeway past the point of the accident. I then proceeded to get inline and update my Waze so other’s wouldn’t make the same mistake I did.

But as I was in line, the trailer that was leading the pack got stuck in the sand and while kicking up dirt, I decided to just go back half way and get on the freeway entrance I had previously passed. Luckily though, the truck that had overturned was pushed off to the side and traffic was once again moving. But Wazers, if you had taken the time to update the road closure (cause I doubt I was the first person to have seen it) I wouldn’t have been misled. I was thanked several times through the application for updating the roads. You could have been thanked too. So Wazers, take the time to update the major things to help us save time for the small things.

Online Dating

I have online dating stories for days. And I shouldn't even call it online dating, but online interactions that don't go much further than that because they are weird.

I have a couple online dating profiles and look at them when I'm bored. I don't actively engage conversation with members of the opposite sex and haven't updated my profile in at least over a year. I do get messages from a guy here or there and most of the time either A) the only thing they say to me is "hi" (which is not a great conversation starter) or B) they have said something else other than "hi" but they have chosen to display a bathroom selfie of themselves as the picture they would like to be judged by. If they have passed the initial stage of saying something more than one word to me and have a decent picture and even may look cute, I will then proceed into their profile. Usually I find something that is a deal breaker: sexual encounter, smoker, kids, etc. At that moment, I will close up the dating online profile and call it a day.

The other day, a guy by the name of Jose messaged me with "and here i am that somebody.....hey cool girl i hope my pictures do me justice in portraying my coolness i ooze and secrete coolness from every pore LOL hey if you're cool enough then maybe just maybe ill let YOU take ME out on a date LOL (that was a joke in case u missed it or sensitive to sarcasm part of my persona) so if u like what u read and see then u know what to do!!"


Yes, the grammar drove me crazy and there is no punctuation anywhere in this message other than the end, AND he wrote u instead of you, but it was a real message and silly enough to get my attention. The picture on his profile was not a selfie and did not appear to be in the bathroom. Yes, he's on a role. I then looked inside the profile and as sarcastic and ridiculous as it was, it made me laugh and looked innocent enough. So I messaged him back. That was probably the first message I responded to in a long time. He then messaged me again asking me to text him because he didn't like checking the site that often. Ok, I can understand that. 
The proceeding explains why I don't like rushing into a texting, phone relationship when it is clear there is not any foundation to the relationship. I just needed the reminder.

Me-Hi Jose....it's me Elizabeth, the sarcastic and witty girl you messaged. How are you?


Jose-Here at your disposal. Just go easy on me.
Me-Psh, you go easy on me...and before I forget your hair looks better shorter.
Jose-Send me a pic for my contacts please. (And I send him a very, but dorkable photo for his contacts. He then sends me 4.)
Jose-So what are u doing right now and what brings u to the site
Me-Right now I'm just laying down trying to cool down. And I work a lot and don't really go out so it's hard to meet people. Yourself?
Jose-As for me looking to date and just playing it by ear and see what bestows from it. Been single for 5 months now. 
Me-Ah. I gotcha. I've been single for a lot longer than that but also just want to play it by ear
Jose-So what race was ur ex and what caused the banana split? (Why is his race relevant at all to this conversation?)
Me-My ex was white and he went back to his ex. Why did you two split. 
Jose-Went back to his ex?? I guess you weren't performing your duties ;)
Me-It was also long distance so hard to perform anything
Jose-Where did u meet him?
Me-Online...it was a while ago. (also an tale as old as time tale but another day) But we don't have to talk about him...cause that's weird. We have plenty of other things to talk about.
Fast forward a few texts.
Me-What type of girls are you into?
Jose-well for me I love short thick girls and I have a thing for big butts. Lol. No pressure. Has to be funny loyal honest and sincere. Affectionate great kisser and cuddler. Lovable caring and just overall fun to be around with.....well......do you qualify my dear?
Me-I know I'm a great cuddler. I got that locked. The rest, I would say yes. And maybe too honest at times but overall I'd say I'm more genuine but in general yes.
Jose-Even the big butt part??
Me-Yes. Per many telling me. Not like corporate big ass but like tasteful big ass
Jose-Well lets just hope your butt is bigger than my cottage cheese butt ;)
Me-Haha yeah it would be embarrassing if we could wear the same size pants. 

Jose then sends me the following picture:



with the caption: "I don't think you're ready for this jelly ;)"






Jose-What do you think? 

Me-Uh, I'm going to go to bed. Night. 
I. Don't. Get. It. 

Dear single, normal, good sense of humor male....please save me soon. 

Keep your numbers to yourself

Every Tuesday morning there are weekly staff meetings. I used to hate Tuesday mornings because of these meetings. The meetings were spent with each person updating the group on what they were working on (even if it was part of their job description that they always did) but in the form of numbers. “We issued out 105 packages this week. On Monday we issued out 22, Tuesday, 34, etc., etc.” As someone that generally hates meetings, I could not understand why everything was broken down into numbers. I know the front desk staff work, I know the students work, I know that packages come in and packages go out. I necessarily do not need to know how many come and go, nor do I care. If we are going to talk about it, then at least present a problem that maybe we should discuss as a group or tell me a story about a lost package. Other than that, keep your numbers to yourself.

Due to a busy week a few weeks ago, I was allowed to come to the meeting late so I could update….you guessed it, so I could update our numbers. I had the opportunity to work on our wait list numbers during the meeting so I could update them during the meeting. I walked in and made my weekly update of how many applications we had received, how many contracts I had received and how many people were still on the wait list. A few minutes later, someone was updating the team on their numbers when the director interrupted them to tell me “Oh, you can go back to your desk.” WOW. I was insulted but pleasantly pleased at the same time. You could have told me before “just come in to announce the numbers and then you can get back to work.” But he did not need to basically dismiss me in front of everyone while interrupting someone else. I just found that to be petty and unprofessional. 

The director and I did not get along. I was in favor of not replicating the work that I had already done and throwing out/shredding the things that I no longer needed. The director was very particular apparently on how things were handled in the office. Once I received a contract in the mail, I was told to keep the empty envelopes and that they would also be filed away with the contracts. WHY? Those files are packed so full in the filing cabinet that not only do I rip my cuticles but so do the student staff that are in and out of them much more often than I am. Once the students checked the envelopes, I double checked them to make sure a check wasn’t left behind before I moved it in a bin to be thrown out. Too bad they notified me of this policy a couple days after I started tossing the envelopes out. I apologized and said, “of course. I’ll keep them here (pointing to a box on the floor of the ones I was about to throw out) and take care of them later.” They are still in a couple of boxes under my desk to be filed. 

The next Tuesday I heard the two ladies outside my office getting ready to go to the meeting 10 minutes early. The meeting is about 25 feet away so I thought it was odd that they were leaving so early. But then I dismissed it thinking that maybe they were going to get coffee or maybe they were going to set up something for the meeting. “Oh well,” I thought to myself, “I’ll finish this then go.” With my coffee in hand, I walked into the conference room to find it completely empty. I asked the student staff “are we not meeting?” And they replied “oh, everyone went to the student union center for the meeting.” And sure enough behind me, everyone BUT me was signed out of the building as going to the student union center.  They all ditched me. In an office of adults that are all respectively older than me, I was ditched and no one cared to tell me. I used that time to catch up with everything I needed to do so I was grateful.

The week after that, before the meeting I asked my immediate supervisor, (not the director that had dismissed me the first time) if I had to still go to the meetings. He told me “the consensus is that your time would be better spent than doing contracts.” Well sir, I agree with you there and can catch up on a lot during the meetings. So while everyone is out of the office, I sneak around the office like James Bond moving the envelopes that the contracts were mailed in to the bin to be shredded. Now I look forward to Tuesday morning meetings. Peaking around corners and tip toeing around to throw out envelopes makes my Tuesday mornings more interesting and still allows me to yes take care of those envelopes under my desk.

"It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages." ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

At my retail job, I like watching and interacting with couples registering for their wedding. Let me clarify. I like watching couples that I think will make it register for their wedding. I feel that the couples that come in excited, with a smile on their face and spend hours in the store picking out items for their life together will have the tenacity to stay together. They don't need to be all over each other, they don't have to physically touch, or be verbally lovey dovey. I think the only thing they need is to enjoy spending time together, even if it's doing the most mundane tasks...like picking out silverware, they just have to enjoy each other.

"Could my son come by and visit and try and woo you?"

A mom called me very anxious and panic stricken to ask about the status of her youngest son attending the university. She self-diagnosed herself as a “chronic-panicer” and “constant-worrier”. Her youngest son is to be freshmen and applied after the deadline for priority housing.  She explained that she already had an older son attending the university and was already in housing.

The overly anxious mom began asking me a series of questions to where I have stock piled answers because they are the same questions I’ve been getting asked for the last month. Because I tend to know which questions will be asked, I tend to include additional information in the hopes that I will answer their question before they ask it. In the middle of every answer I was giving her, she would interrupt me and say “ok, so let me ask you another question.” STOP interrupting me and I will answer your question. I was JUST getting to that.

After all was said and done, she was not happy that her son was in the 400s on the waiting list. I tried my best to calm her down. But do you know how difficult it is to calm down a chronic-panicer? She was making me nervous and I was the one that was almost positive that he would get a spot later down the line. She asked me, “if you were talking to your mom right now, how would you tell her to proceed?” And I responded with “I would tell my mom to calm down and let’s just wait until we see how many people return their contracts and how many more contracts will be offered before I start thinking about other options.” And believe me, I’ve said similar things to my mom. I am that person that will wait to get all the information in front of me and then make a decision. I find it ridiculous to make decisions before all the facts are known. She then physically had to calm herself down and said “yeah, we’ll just have to see what happens next week.” 

Then, this very anxious, nerve-wracked mom asked if there was anything else she could do. “No, I will send you an email on the 21^st updating you of everything.” “You know Elizabeth, my oldest son lives on campus still. Would it be worth him coming to visit you? You know, he’s very cute. Could he possibly come visit you and perhaps try to woo you ? You know, maybe bring you some baked goods. He’s a good looking guy.” WHAT? Was this mom seriously trying to pimp out her son to me? That was a very BOLD gesture and she must have thought of this before to have mentioned it at the top of her head in that moment so easily. “Uh, no. It’s ok. I have good faith that your younger son will be getting a contract and that is not necessary. And I’m not a baked goods kind of girl but I do really like Starbucks while we are on the subject.” “Ok Elizabeth, that is very good to know. I look forward to hearing from you next week.”  “Yes, we will talk next week, and please do not pimp out your son to anyone ever again. Have a great day.”

Baristas and morning meetings

When I first started working at my new university, my the mornings were chilly and my office was even colder. I would stop on my way to work to get a Starbucks, an upside down caramel macchiato, and drive into work and sip on my coffee quietly throughout the morning. One day, I was extremely hungry and walked into a little market in the morning to get something to eat. The barista inside told me that he could make anything that Starbucks could make. And I told him I would take him up on that challenge and the next day I gave him the chance. I asked him for an upside down caramel macchiato. He tried his best. He really did....but as he watched me try his creation, I could barely stop my face from betraying the bitterness I tasted inside that coffee cup. However, the little market was so boring, and so quiet that the next day I had to go back to keep him from dying of boredom and if not to give him a second chance at the coffee making. And then it dawned on me, if my little barista was so bored and lonely, he could make the drinks exactly how I wanted. He had the time, and the sweet vibe to devote to my particular coffee tastes. So the next day, I went in and offered a suggestion on how I would like my coffee and he did it for me. At times, it was as if I had my own personal barista because no one would come in and he had all the time in the world to experiment with things that I liked or would want to try. Sometimes he reminds me of the guy in the movie Amelie, that is a little off and takes his time picking out the perfect fruits for the customers. My little barista attempts little bar tricks and puts on a show. He is such a character that I walk away with a smile on my face and ready to come back the next morning to watch his performance. It is pretty awesome.

Our conversations grew from coffee to work and life. He found out that I worked in Housing and he asked me specifically "do you get asked a lot of stupid questions?" Me? Asked stupid questions? Only everyday of my life. Each day I bring him a new question or a new story. After a week of not visiting him today was my first day back. It was as if he was waiting for me. He gave me a list of stupid questions he gets asked as a psychology major. This was a new step in our barista/customer relationship.

Even though I didn't get coffee everyday, I used to make sure to get a coffee from my barista every Tuesday for a weekly 2.5 hour meeting. I am not a meeting person, especially when I am on a temp assignment and much of the information in the other 2.25 hours of the meeting do not concern me. During the meeting I drew little doodles to keep myself awake. Coming from another university's housing department I would offer suggestions on what my old university did to perhaps help the new department out. My suggestions were often taken with a nod and with a tone of "let's move on." A couple of weeks ago with my warm coffee in hand, I walked into the conference room late due to working and updating some lists to report the most accurate information. Right after my update, the director asked me to leave and go back to my desk and work. Uh, awkward but very grateful because I had a lot of work to do. The next week, again with my coffee in hand, I walk into the conference room to find it completely empty. The student workers informed me that everyone had gone to the meeting at the student union center. Did that mean if no one told me about the meeting that I didn't have to go? The students all agreed and I was able to catch up on a lot of work. The next week, I asked my supervisor "so since last week I wasn't told about the meeting, does that mean I don't have to go anymore?" My supervisor, who I have a lot of respect for told me "yeah, the consensus is that you should focus on license agreements." I was insulted but pleased at the same time that I no longer was required to attend these pointless meetings where one topic lasted an hour. I have never had to bite my tongue so hard and for so long and keep myself restrained from sharing my thoughts, ideas and acknowledgements as I am during these meetings. I understood the body language from the director that my ideas were not welcomed and I was only here to work. On that note, as it is Tuesday, I will get back to enjoying the silence, my coffee and the company of the student workers around me.