Wazers unite

Do you know the application Waze? It’s a map application to help you navigate around traffic with updated traffic and obstacles by other users. However, the greatness of the application is determined by the other users. Usually, I don’t listen to my Waze. Sometimes the lady is a little bit of a pain and doesn’t like making left turns. Sometimes I’m not in a hurry and while the other way might be 2 minutes faster, I want to go this way because I want to stop by Starbucks.

On my way to Vegas, my estimated time of arrival changed with an addition of 40 minutes on the road. Then I heard the sound I wanted to hear “A faster route has been found”. My Waze directed me off the freeway and I drove like the wind on a side road that paralleled the freeway. I was cruising right along where I passed the accident and was wondering “how come no one else is on this road?” With about 3 miles left on the road, I come to a road closure on that stretch of high way. “NOOOO!” I shouted and cursed into the wind. Oh, well there is another road here, I wonder if it’ll work…..driving down the road about 5 miles, I can to the end of a dirt road that just faded into the desert. Damn it. I turned around and at the point of the road closure, saw cars caravanning through the desert to get back on the freeway past the point of the accident. I then proceeded to get inline and update my Waze so other’s wouldn’t make the same mistake I did.

But as I was in line, the trailer that was leading the pack got stuck in the sand and while kicking up dirt, I decided to just go back half way and get on the freeway entrance I had previously passed. Luckily though, the truck that had overturned was pushed off to the side and traffic was once again moving. But Wazers, if you had taken the time to update the road closure (cause I doubt I was the first person to have seen it) I wouldn’t have been misled. I was thanked several times through the application for updating the roads. You could have been thanked too. So Wazers, take the time to update the major things to help us save time for the small things.

Online Dating

I have online dating stories for days. And I shouldn't even call it online dating, but online interactions that don't go much further than that because they are weird.

I have a couple online dating profiles and look at them when I'm bored. I don't actively engage conversation with members of the opposite sex and haven't updated my profile in at least over a year. I do get messages from a guy here or there and most of the time either A) the only thing they say to me is "hi" (which is not a great conversation starter) or B) they have said something else other than "hi" but they have chosen to display a bathroom selfie of themselves as the picture they would like to be judged by. If they have passed the initial stage of saying something more than one word to me and have a decent picture and even may look cute, I will then proceed into their profile. Usually I find something that is a deal breaker: sexual encounter, smoker, kids, etc. At that moment, I will close up the dating online profile and call it a day.

The other day, a guy by the name of Jose messaged me with "and here i am that somebody.....hey cool girl i hope my pictures do me justice in portraying my coolness i ooze and secrete coolness from every pore LOL hey if you're cool enough then maybe just maybe ill let YOU take ME out on a date LOL (that was a joke in case u missed it or sensitive to sarcasm part of my persona) so if u like what u read and see then u know what to do!!"


Yes, the grammar drove me crazy and there is no punctuation anywhere in this message other than the end, AND he wrote u instead of you, but it was a real message and silly enough to get my attention. The picture on his profile was not a selfie and did not appear to be in the bathroom. Yes, he's on a role. I then looked inside the profile and as sarcastic and ridiculous as it was, it made me laugh and looked innocent enough. So I messaged him back. That was probably the first message I responded to in a long time. He then messaged me again asking me to text him because he didn't like checking the site that often. Ok, I can understand that. 
The proceeding explains why I don't like rushing into a texting, phone relationship when it is clear there is not any foundation to the relationship. I just needed the reminder.

Me-Hi Jose....it's me Elizabeth, the sarcastic and witty girl you messaged. How are you?


Jose-Here at your disposal. Just go easy on me.
Me-Psh, you go easy on me...and before I forget your hair looks better shorter.
Jose-Send me a pic for my contacts please. (And I send him a very, but dorkable photo for his contacts. He then sends me 4.)
Jose-So what are u doing right now and what brings u to the site
Me-Right now I'm just laying down trying to cool down. And I work a lot and don't really go out so it's hard to meet people. Yourself?
Jose-As for me looking to date and just playing it by ear and see what bestows from it. Been single for 5 months now. 
Me-Ah. I gotcha. I've been single for a lot longer than that but also just want to play it by ear
Jose-So what race was ur ex and what caused the banana split? (Why is his race relevant at all to this conversation?)
Me-My ex was white and he went back to his ex. Why did you two split. 
Jose-Went back to his ex?? I guess you weren't performing your duties ;)
Me-It was also long distance so hard to perform anything
Jose-Where did u meet him?
Me-Online...it was a while ago. (also an tale as old as time tale but another day) But we don't have to talk about him...cause that's weird. We have plenty of other things to talk about.
Fast forward a few texts.
Me-What type of girls are you into?
Jose-well for me I love short thick girls and I have a thing for big butts. Lol. No pressure. Has to be funny loyal honest and sincere. Affectionate great kisser and cuddler. Lovable caring and just overall fun to be around with.....well......do you qualify my dear?
Me-I know I'm a great cuddler. I got that locked. The rest, I would say yes. And maybe too honest at times but overall I'd say I'm more genuine but in general yes.
Jose-Even the big butt part??
Me-Yes. Per many telling me. Not like corporate big ass but like tasteful big ass
Jose-Well lets just hope your butt is bigger than my cottage cheese butt ;)
Me-Haha yeah it would be embarrassing if we could wear the same size pants. 

Jose then sends me the following picture:



with the caption: "I don't think you're ready for this jelly ;)"






Jose-What do you think? 

Me-Uh, I'm going to go to bed. Night. 
I. Don't. Get. It. 

Dear single, normal, good sense of humor male....please save me soon.