Now do I agree with the entirety of that quote? Nope, not really. Is everything really worth it? I'm reminded of the Modest Mouse song "If life's not beautiful without the pain, well I'd just rather never ever even see beauty again." And sometimes I feel like that. Maybe it's not really worth it. But then I think about the past and the good things that have transpired and I'm reminded that I wouldn't have truly appreciated them, and because I can't see the light at the end of this dark, relationshipless, dead endless job, and living at home tunnel that there isn't one right?
Sometimes I regret leaving my previous job, but then I think to myself that if I had stayed, I might never have pushed myself to look for another job because....I had one. But now that I sit here in my new position looking to see what else is out there. Sometimes, I compare the job to the one I am in now and I think back about how I judged their inefficiencies and processes and now that I am in this position I think "By God, they were geniuses compared to where I am now." And that just goes the the first point of this post, I wouldn't have appreciated my previous position until I was in something comparatively less imaginative and more stifling then my previous one.
People say I'm standoffish, or closed off. My friend who I have known for forever said I'm guarded. I happen to agree with that term more than others, guarded. I am very guarded. Why? Because I have been burned in the past. Throughout high school I thought the girls I would talk to were my friends, but they only talked to me to find out info about me to talk about me behind my backs and make fun of me. Throughout college, and various jobs, I found out that it kept happening. I realized that I'm terrible, completely awful at reading at how people feel about me. I can read other people on how they feel about others, but when it comes to me, I can't read people. Its like my own kryptonite. So I am guarded. I take my time getting to know people and let them dictate and set the terms of our friendship. Some people say I'm a pushover, they are walking all over me, but I look at it as being guarded until I understand who they are as a person and understand our friendship. I'll put it this way, and this is the real deal. If I am completely open to you, not standoffish and we don't know each other very well, it's because you are a passing person and we probably will not very many encounters after these first few. If you find me guarded, standoffish or shy, it's because I do like you and want to take the time to understand you. And you to understand me.
I am awful at confrontations. The scariest thing someone can say to me are variations of "We need to talk." I will do everything to avoid that conversation. I will lie, cheat, push and runaway from you to hold the conversation off as long as possible. So the idea to take a chance with much of life scares me. But nothing more than relationships particularly romantic relationships. I mean, not that I've been in a romantic relationship either lasting more than a couple of weeks in the last few years, but the idea of becoming vulnerable to anyone frightens me.
I am ok with me. I draw my line, very, very close to me. So when you cross that line, and I finally tell you, and show you how I feel, I sometimes blow up because it's been building up for so long that it surprises you. I have realized that because as humans we all compartmentalize each other, that people often put me in the box that they want me to be in, but not the box I want them to put me in. So when I get upset, I show that I am hurt, or mad or frustrated, people usually don't know how to react and don't allow me to move out of that box, even if it's temporary and often times, that changes the nature of our relationship. Another reason I suppose that I am so guarded.
Sometimes I could so very easily say what I want. But I often feel that I find myself being caught up with how you view me and risk rocking that boat instead of showing you the real me and making you take me as I am or leaving me. So what I want you to know is that, I probably care more about what you think of me than I should. So what I show you the real, uncontrolled me, let me be me. Please and thank you.
Sometimes I could so very easily say what I want. But I often feel that I find myself being caught up with how you view me and risk rocking that boat instead of showing you the real me and making you take me as I am or leaving me. So what I want you to know is that, I probably care more about what you think of me than I should. So what I show you the real, uncontrolled me, let me be me. Please and thank you.
